(1) Winning at Security: Remember ten years ago when you could just get on a plane? I remember hopping off a plane at LAX with High School Boyfriend in August 2001. His mom met us immediately at the gate next to the little airport Wolfgang Puck's. I mean she was RIGHT THERE. Then 9/11 happened almost exactly a month later and now we're scared of shampoo, so airport security is a little more intense than it used to be. Still, I pretty much always win at baggage/body screening. I'm so good at travel that I don't check bags. No, I enter the screening area with all my sh*t and I can get my laptop out of its case and my shoes off my feet before the rest of y'all even realize you'll have to remove your belts. The TSA loves me. In some airports, they even have a special Black Diamond "expert" lane for people like me, people who are awesome at airport security.
(2) The People Mover: This thing is like the Speed Force. You get on it and you're walking at TWICE your normal speed while your badass rolling suitcase grinds along behind you. You can thumb your nose at the plebes on their first plane ride to Orlando who don't understand that they're supposed to stand on the right so you can breeze by them on the left in a cloud of self importance as strong as half a bottle of Clinique Happy. Don't they know who you are? Don't they know you're in seat 38C on the next Delta flight? MOVE.
(3) Airports with Trains in Them: Because they are airports. With trains in them. Detroit probably has the best example of a Train in an Airport, but they also sell underwear with "Motown" scribbled across the butt, which almost cancels out the indoor train, but not quite.
Add a log flume & a dark ride and you've got a theme park.
(4) Excuse to Buy Celebrity Gossip Rags: Sadly, I don't take advantage of this nearly often enough. I usually buy The Economist because I am a self important windbag who is terribly concerned about what other people on the plane will think of me, and at the very least I want to make certain they all notice that I'm more worldly and intelligent than they are because I'm reading the f*cking Economist on an AIRPLANE while they thumb through last week's People. Hell, reading The Economist should get you automatically bumped to first class. Dear Sir - I am awesome. Except when I'm travelling with my sister. She buys People. And I desperately beg her to share.
(5) SkyMall: SkyMall is the greatest thing ever. Only when flying would it occur to anyone that they definitely need a six foot replica of King Tut's sarcophagus to go with their new "personal massager." While you're at it, why don't you get some patio furniture covers, a bridge for the front yard and a f*cking seat from Yankee Stadium.
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[Um, wanna buy a book from me? Or some other stuff? This SkyMall bill isn't gonna pay itself.]