Tuesday, July 6, 2010

In Which I Lament My Guatemalan Place Mats

I almost cried over Guatemalan place mats the other night, and before you ask, no I wasn't PMS-ing or pregnant. I just take place mats pretty f*cking seriously.

Husband picked up a bigger share of the chores when I starting picking up longer shifts at work. On the night in question, he cleaned the kitchen counters, put away the dishes and all sorts of other helpful things. He's so awesome you probably want me to clone him, but I've seen that episode of Star Trek y'all, and genetic decay is NASTY.

So, Husband, because he is helpful and awesome, noticed that our place mats were dirty and asked if we shouldn't wash them. Overwhelmed by his loving attention to detail, I said,

"Sure! Throw them suckers in there with the dish towels!"

Except...except that our place mats have frayed edges (you know, like cut-off jeans) and Husband put the place mats in the dryer. (Because that's what you DO when you wash things. He's no dummy. It should have occurred to me to tell him not to dry them, because according to perfectly reasonable Boy Logic what comes out of the washer goes into the dryer. The nuances of tumble dry versus hang dry versus OH MY GOD DO NOT PUT THAT IN THE DRYER YOU WILL END THE WORLD dry are not part of Boy Land. Or part of Margaret Land most of the time, for that matter.)

Four of our six place-mats are a good two to three inches smaller than the other two now, and the edges are an absolute snarl of unraveled threads. When Husband brought them into the house and unfolded them, the backs of my eyes started to sting and I smacked the counter and hollered "F*ck!" Then I snatched up my beer and had to 'rassle with my internal gamma radiation so I didn't Hulk-out at Husband over f*cking place mats, but they were a wedding present from one of my closest girlfriends and she got them in Guatemala so it's not like I can just hop over to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to replace them and she also gave us matching napkins and now two of my place mats are 20% larger than the other four and I felt like they really pulled the room together and THIS IS WHY I CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS, EVER.

Don't even try to front. This would drive you crazy too.

Husband can tell when I'm about to go supernova over something stupid, and unlike pretty much everyone else I ever dated, ever, rather than attempting to contain the implosion himself (as if he could), he quietly left the room. After a few minutes of slamming around spaghetti ingredients and cursing the lentils, I shuffled over to the bathroom doorway to talk to Husband, who was perched on the edge of the tub.

"Um, honey, you know I'm not mad at you, right? I mean, it's not your fault, you were just trying to wash the place mats and that was really nice of you I'm just sad because I can't go to Guatemala and I really liked the place mats. It's kind of like when your parents' house got robbed and your mom was more upset about the pillow sham the robbers jacked to carry the jewelry away in than she was about the jewelry, because she was going to have to buy another full set to replace the one sham, and that's a real pain in the ass you know? This is like that, but slightly worse because they were a Friend Present. So do you wanna come be around me again now?"

And he did. He came into the kitchen and annoyed me while I cooked dinner which made me laugh which made me mostly Get Over It. After a few minutes, I gave him a hug and then, without prompting, he said, "I'm sorry," even though the Place Mat Annihilation wasn't really his fault. He thinks I'm crazy and he's right, but he totally gets it when it comes to Stupid Girl Things like lamentations over the loss of matching Guatemalan place mats.



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[Um, wanna 
buy a book from me? Or some other stuff? Then I can go to Guatemala and get new place mats.]

26 comments:

Martha said...

T recently washed A's swimsuit and then put it in the drier. LOL I was like, dude, yes, it's supposed to get wet, but it's self drying. Luckily, it was okay and nothing caught on fire. So sorry to hear about the demise of your place mats. I totally get it.

Sonja Blair said...

I would still be crying...oh well, throw the other ones in the dryer...at least they'll match.

Margaret said...

@Sonja Holy sh- Why didn't I think of that? You're brilliant.

LM Lawrence said...

After reading this to my hubby I said, "I told you I am not the only girl who does this."
I really hate when things like that happen. Loved the post :)

Jennifer said...

Maybe you could cut off part of the other two, then buy smaller plates so they don't look out of proportion.

And I totally flip out over trivial stuff all the time. Wait till you get pregnant, you will rediscover flipping out over dumb stuff. Like, really dumb stuff.

stark. raving. mad. mommy. said...

My ability to have nice things has completely devolved. My kids managed to ruin a vinyl tablecloth.

nursemyra said...

I always blame the lentils for washing disasters too

2leftbarefeet said...

We husbands are useful sometimes, yes. So glad to read you giving yours some props. We also have good ideas to help where we screwed up. Since your husband sounds like a wise man, he might have made this suggestion had he not been afraid of getting slashed by a kitchen knife: Use the shrunken place mats for the kids' table at Thanksgiving. They are the perfect size for little eaters.

Margaret said...

@2leftbarefeet My sister suggested shrinking the other two and then turning them into a table runner. Maybe I should do that, and then dismantle the table runner and use them as kids' place mats once we finally spawn!

FabuLeslie said...

Ok, yeah, every woman knows that if someone says, yes, please wash that, the next question you ask is, should we just hang it up to dry, or do you want it to go in the dryer. See, men have never paid $30 for a bra, only to have it disintegrate before their eyes from one tumble in the dryer. Every woman has had that experience at least once, and it is forever burned into her brain, just like these placemats will be burned into your brain too. But his? Nope. He'll do it again someday if you are not hypervigilant about every laundry conversation you ever have.. Oh well. You're a champ in my book for the way you recovered from the whole incident!

myirishluck said...

I did something simillar, but they were for Pier One so......

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Sew a line up them and the use pinking shears to trim the fray... or just toss the other ones in the dryer to match.

vicwu said...

If you change a few details of your story this has happened to me a lot. :3

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

You're right, I totally want to clone him. And I totally think I'm smarter than those doofuses on Star Trek and my cloning would work out perfectly, because come on, even I knew that you shouldn't fall for Kirk and Scotty's got something sketchy going on down in the engine room.

JayneSees said...

We definitely need to have a caffeinated powwow. Fo Sho.

Mungee's Ma said...

I would have freaked the eff out too. This is why I don't let DH wash my laundry (not that he's offered, but you know, if he did ..)

Junket said...

Yes, yes. Nice recovery, Hulk. Except...I'm left wondering why your husband was sitting on the side of the tub. Was he hiding out in fear? Cleaning the tub? Doing those wacky bathtub push-ups? I need to know now!

Margaret said...

@Junket - Our cat? Managed to have an outdoor adventure and she brought in fleas. It took Husband a weeklong EPIC Battle to rid the house of them. The safest two rooms? Were the kitchen and the bathroom.

laurenne said...

Your husband is awesome. And quite tall. I just got home from a bad date, so I must say I'm pretty jealous. I want a man who washes placemats! waaaa.

Corinda said...

Wow I'm impressed that yours can pronounce the "S" word. I'd be surprised if mine knew the word even existed :) Once he put my silk (dry-clean-only shirt) in the machine and what went in as an expensive and lovely, kookaburra printed blouse came out as a cheap, see through rag, patterned with, what now resembled, ugly black crows. Ahh men, they seem so silly from up here.

Brad Imerson said...

hi

Leah Mraz said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!! My husband (whom I met in Guatemala, but he's Canadian) did the same thing to my Guatemalan placemats that my sister purchased for us (while she lived in Guatemala) for our wedding gift. I hung onto the ragged-edged ones for a bit but then we moved so they got tossed. Still have the good ones though. But, my husband's a keeper, so I couldn't cry too long over spilt milk. Enjoyed the post. :)

noktour said...

I like to get on the people mover and pretend that I'm in that old school Jamiroquai video.

Fire Hare Jenny said...

I Love your sense of logic about the whole situation. Its great to know that people can seperate the accident from the person, since it he didn't do it on purpose. : )

janice said...

cool..theyre so nice..

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Henna @ AboutCabinets Blog said...

awww - its ok - things get ruined so that we can get new ones, its nothing to get so upset about, be thankful that they were only mats and not your favorite dress!!