Monday, July 19, 2010

The Story of DICKME or, I Got B.O.N.ed!

Blogger decided to wave the magic Blogs of Note wand over me! Now that some guy named TG has taken the time to spam every entry I've ever written with a link to his "custom wood furniture," I suppose I should answer a few questions. By the way TG, I admire your pluck, but if you want adspace please send me one million dollars first.

(1) You spelled Crymes wrong.

First of all, that's not a question. Second of all, it's my last name so no I didn't spell it wrong. The dictionary spelled it wrong.

(2) Is that really your last name?

Yup. I married into it. My maiden name involved a slang term for the male anatomy. When I took the PSAT many moons ago, I was required to bubble in the first four letters of my last name, followed by my first initial, followed by my middle initial, which spelled out, wait for it:


The PTA-mom proctor of the exam walked by and told me to "TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!" I didn't have a photo I.D. at the time so they had to call the assistant principal down to confirm that no, I was not actually f*cking off. For once.

I really like my new last name. The Husband it came with is cool too.

(3) Why "The Crymes Syndicate" then?

Ever heard of a little place called Earth-3?

(4) What are you doing here?

Running my mouth on the internet. What are you doing here?

(5) The photo of you in your "About Me" is really small. I can't tell if you're hot.

Again, not a question. But here you go:

You've interrupted my binge. And no, I don't pluck these brows.

Here are some entries I'm particularly proud of:

Stuff My Parents Taught Me: There's No 'C' in Klingon
Karma is a Bitch and I'm Gonna Delete All You Haters! (Please Like Me.)
Don't Make Fun of My Sunflower Shoes, I Will Fork You Up
The Sliding Scale of Suck
Your Mother Got Engaged on a Pirate Ship!

So there you have it. Now subscribe! I'll need about one thousand of you to fire up the death ray and take the world hostage for a lifetime supply of Oreos. Let's make it happen, people. Teamwork makes the dream work. I'll even share the Oreos after I'm done licking off all the frosting.

You can also follow me on The Twitter for more hijinks.


Jam said...

So my question is thus: Did you marry him BECAUSE of his wicked awesome surname? Because, really, I don't know if anyone would hold that against you.

Or at least I wouldn't.

Brooke said...

OMG I love Dickme and the mom who told you to take it seriously. Awesomeness.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear, who knew you had to take the weirdness of the SAT forms into consideration when naming your kids?

LYONKA <--- my Russian persona

Anonymous said...

you officially out rank the friend of my mom's who got into trouble when she filled out forms last name first: Christmas, Carol.

Margaret said...

@Jam - The official answer is no. The real answer is yes.
@Brooke - She was a TOTAL b*tch about it too. I was smug as all get out when it was all over.
@Anonymous - Hi, Mom.

theTsaritsa said...

Nice job on becoming a Blogger of Note! How does one get on that bandwagon?

And yup, I'm LOLing at DICKME. I might make that request tonight :)

Elly said...

Woo! Congrats on the Blogs of Note! And dude! I don't mean to laugh, but that's a pretty unfortunate set of circumstances. Hope you had a clever come back or something for that Mom.

Gnetch said...


I really looked for TG's comments. He definitely wants ad space!! :)

Margaret said...

@Gnetch - I deleted all of them. One by one. By hand. Did you find any? Did I miss one? That dude totally owes me a million dollars.

Charles said...

Dear Dickme,

Couple of things. First off... Star Wars is better than Star Trek. Star Trek is a snot bubble on the face of sci-fi, while Star Wars is, in fact... the um..... make up... or... $300 sunglasses... or something... on the face of sci-fi.

Second: oreos are over rated. I dream of a day when people stop focusing on oreos, and the entire cookie market will shift over to a more simpler time, when we had delicious home-made style chocolate chip cookies and molasses cookies comin' out the yin-yang and everyone said "what is an oreo?"

Third: I like your witty writing and will continue to read it for a period of time, occasionally commenting, hoping you will comment back, and all the while secretly resenting you about the star trek thing.

that is all.

Margaret said...

Dear Charles,

First off, I refuse to adhere to some B.S. dichotomy between Star Trek and Star Wars, both of which I love dearly. Husband and I are serious enough about SW that we own a LASER DISC player because we wanted to own the original trilogy in widescreen digital format. I met one of my best Real Life friends on a Star Wars message board, Husband and I recessed down the aisle to the soundtrack from the medal ceremony at the end of Star Wars when we got married, and Empire Strikes Back is one of the best movies ever made. Period.

Second, you don't follow me on the twitter yet so you don't know the half of my amazing cookie baking skills. But homemade cookies? They require work. And effort. For Oreos I need $2.99 and the ability to rip plastic. Also, Martian Manhunter loves Oreos. I mean Chocos.

Third, I think you are a punk and I appreciate that in a reader. I hope, in time, that you'll learn to open your heart and you'll realize that Star Wars and Star Trek, while they might both have the word "Star" in the title, are two entirely different franchises equally worthy of my ardor for different reasons.


commoncents said...

I LIKE YOUR BLOG! Keep up the great work!!

common cents

The Ranter's Box said...

Congratulations on becoming a B.O.N. Margaret!!... You should send TG an invoice for advertising costs either that or dedicate a special blog post which publically ridicules him. I did this with my first blog hater comment. It felt good!!! ... I'll definitely follow you on twitter and just got on there recently myself.

Martha said...

Congratulations! I love that your last name used to be Dick. When I was married, my last name was Horne. I had a boss who called me horny for two years. Unfortunately she was a woman and we were in Japan on a military base so I couldn't sue for sexual harassment. Keep up the good work Dickme!

Jeff said...

I have B.O.N envy. I guess I need to up my tweet-stalking of Blogger. Congrats on the nod!

T1 said...

Congrats on becoming the blog of note and congrats on having a name that happens to be a request that not enough women say to me.

Annah said...

You did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) You go gurl! :) That's fantabulous

Kelley said...

Well, dang it. I commented on the wrong post. I just wanted to know if you gave that yelling a teacher a swift chop to the wind pipe. Did you?

Steve G. said...

Dickme! Nice. My friend Patrick, his initials were PMS, which made for great fun when we were 13 and he was getting annoyed about something. "Oh, I guess it's that time of the month Pat!" Ah, youth.

Shinxy said...

Congratulations on being a Blog of Note! Well deserved :)

Cristine said...

You have a great blog, pity Charles feels 'Dicked' for not being a blogger of note! hahaha! And so he had to find something to pick on, like who's better between frikkin' star trek and star wars?!

***Well done!***

Gnetch said...

Yup. You missed the one on the previous post. (Wait for the Ding post.)
His wood furniture is in total need of attention. Haha.

Queen of the Rant said...

DICKME was really your last name, no effin way I need proof, my friends mothers name is Balldick and he will never live that down!

Margaret said...

@Queen - DICKME was not my last name. The first four letters of my maiden name were "Dick." M and E are my first and middle initials. :-)

Stef said...

Look at you being all famous and shit! Congrats!!!!! I'm a relatively new follower, but I can totally say that I knew you before you were recognized by the world. haha

Charles said...

Dear dickme,

Cheapness is not a reason to buy a cookie. I learned that the hard way with my first ten dollar hooker. I was peeing fire for months.

And are you totally totally serious about your wedding and the star wars music? Me and my girlfriend think that that is AWESOME!!!


Anonymous said...

i was at the wedding and yes, totally serious about the star wars music. classy. :)

Margaret said...

Dear Charles,

I said nothing about cheapness. I complained about having to WORK for my tasty homemade cookies. Are you going to bake cookies for me?

And yes. I'm serious about the the Star Wars music at our wedding. We also stuck Dinah Lance and Oliver Queen on top of our cake.

I do not F*ck Around with this stuff.


noktour said...

I like your witty writing and will continue to read it for a period of time .

farsider said...

Crime Syndicate, Martian Manhunter, Dinah Lance AND Oliver Queen???

Even if you won't choose Star Wars over Star Trek or vice versa, can you at least agree that DC is better than Marvel?

Cool blog, Margaret. (Are you sure you're a girl?)

ghrency said...

great story to tell..

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alonewithcats said...

Dickme (as in hot damn! - not my calling you "dickme"), you're famous!