Wednesday, April 18, 2012

In which I promise not to blog about feces

Late last January I found myself puking on the sidewalk in front of a local bar. Had this scene unfolded back in 2005 (the year I turned 21) it wouldn't have been a remarkable tableau in the least. Since it happened in 2012 and I was brought down by only 3-4 beers over the course of four hours (unheard of!), the public regurgitation signaled that something was amiss.

That's the night I figured out I was pregnant. I didn't urinate on a stick for another week or so, but look: if 3-4 beers takes me down like the Titanic (too soon?) then I'm either pregnant or my liver's finally erupted into open rebellion. As it is, my liver's fine and come October I'll push from my nether regions a human who will inevitably incite actual rebellion against me in 13 to 16 years.

My guess is that rebelling against aging hipster parents mostly consists of wearing cardigans like they're necklaces and listening to a lot of Pat Boone. And not ironically.

This is a wanted, planned kid. We're happy. Still, I'm not looking forward to the back end of gestation; I already feel like a sperm(ed) whale and I only weigh 135 pounds. I'm ~15 weeks in. Go ahead. Hate me. I know. I'm sorry. Neither am I looking forward to having a newborn, having been around enough of them to know that only something deep within the reptilian section of our brains stops us from leaving the screaming excrement-machines outdoors to suffer from exposure. Who actually looks forward to begging a tiny bundle of rage & tears to please, please let you know what's wrong because you already fed it, burped it, sang to it, and changed it? One night in the not-too-distant future, Husband is going to be awakened by my anguished shouting from second bedroom:

 "English, [insert expletive]! Do you speak it!?!"

I'm looking forward to having a potty trained kid with a smattering of language skills. I'm looking forward to finding out what sort of person results from mixing my DNA with Husband's. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) raising a decent human to counteract the swelling population of awful humans. I'm looking forward to being able to call out horrible parenting for what it is without some dolt saying "Oh! But you don't have children yet!" as though I need to have children to know that parents shouldn't slap their kids around for anything short of a secret meth lab in the garage.

Pregnancy obviously makes for good blog-fodder though, especially when you're as cynical pragmatic about it as I am. Expect another Syndicate revival, but don't worry, I'm not going to morph into a doe-eyed mommy-blogger. Expect semi-regular updates on why I hate it when people think that I want to talk to them just because I'm incubating. Don't expect pictures of the spawn, either inside me or once it's out. Expect diatribes against the concept that human reproduction is "miraculous." Don't expect a lot of stories about poop. I know no one wants to read about that sh*t.



Justin Barlow said...

Hooray! I look forward to more Crymes Syndicate posts! It's been a while.

gnetch said...

Congrats!!!!!! :)

I'm so looking forward to the semi-regular updates! Especially rants about people who think you want to talk to them!

theTsaritsa said...

Yay, congratulations! Looking forward to your posts. You're right, no one wants to hear about poop-- we see enough of that on Facebook.

Jeff Evans said...

Good. And congratulations!

Dawn Leach said...

As soon as one of my friends had a baby, she lost all sense of what is appropriate (or at least I can only imagine that is what happened)...since she proceeded to post pictures of her chlid completely covered in his own excrement. :| In what world is this okay? and in what sort of world is it greeted with comments of "how adorable!", "what a handful!"

wave412 said...

Congratulations! Tiny humans are a trip, especially once they start to establish coherent communication skills. And FWIW, you might change your mind about poopblogging - it's actually kinda fun.

Ekpowers said...


Miss S said...

congratulations, and I have to say its so refreshing to hear someone else not want to devote their sole life existence to only crap and vomit just because it came from their own nether regions. salute :)
and telling off the annoying parents must be another plus!